Quite a while ago, I witnessed a girl stop to pick up an empty Starbucks cup from the floor and walk towards the rubbish bin to throw it away. At least, that’s what I thought she was going to do.

Instead, not only did she walk past the rubbish bin, she actually slowed down to check what was in it, as though she was looking for something.

She sat down in the row in front of me and calmly placed the cup on the table. Then she proceeded to check her face in her phone screen’s reflection (perhaps she didn’t realise it had a front-facing camera) and for no apparent reason, she started to methodically ruffle her hair (this took about five minutes and didn’t make any difference at all to her physical appearance).

Then, she took a marker out of her giant handbag and wrote what is presumably her name on the Starbucks cup. She made sure to add lots of hearts (which looked more like blobs than anything).

Then, as though posing with a celebrity, she took a deep breath, held the cup up next to her face, made absolutely sure the writing was visible, and took a picture of herself.

She then took her laptop out and connected the phone to it. She downloaded the picture to her laptop and (surprise, surprise), opened up Facebook in her browser. Because everyone knows that you can’t upload pictures to Facebook through your phone.

She posted the picture with the Starbucks cup and wrote something about how “dat hotttt barrister” (she actually spelled it out loud), who just happened to have a massive crush on her, got her name wrong (even though I’m guessing she wrote it correctly on the cup) and how it was so hilarious because she has the same name as this “bannister” (Yes, she spelled it out loud. Again. And managed to get it wrong. Again).

Apparently, she got served coffee by a talking handrail which works at the local Starbucks in its free time when it’s not too busy practicing law or being permanently attached to a staircase.

I’m guessing she has a very short memory span because she refreshed her Facebook feed, saw her post pop up, and genuinely believed what she wrote was true.

How do I know this, you ask? Because she saw the post, liked it, and (I kid you not) immediately took a sip from the empty cup. She spent the rest of the lecture refreshing the page to check for likes and comments.

Meanwhile, as you can probably imagine, I spent the rest of the lecture thinking of good unisex names for a bannister and silently lamenting the death of the English language.

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