In my 2nd year, I started documenting the different types of people I spotted at university. It’s all the fun of completing your Pokedex, without the ethical burden of having to imprison sentient beings inside TARDIS-like tiny red and white balls.
Disclaimer: I realise it’s impossible to compartmentalise people since each one of us is so unique and special and everything, but I’m going to do it anyway. Everyone will fall into more than one category and that’s completely fine; this isn’t in any way accurate (why on Earth would you think it is?) and as you can probably tell, the descriptions are exaggerated for comedic effect.
TL;DR, this is all done in fun and I mean no disrespect to anyone who gets offended.
All that being said, here’s Part 3 of the Univeristy Pokedex!
11) Always-in-a-Suit Man
Description: Whether in the gym, a lecture, the middle of a food fight, or on a day when the university isn’t even open, Always-in-a-Suit Man, as the name suggests, will always be in his suit.
Always-in-a-Suit Man is interesting for many reasons. For starters, the only course he will never take is one related to business or economics. Instead, he can usually be found in the first row of a Women & Gender Studies or Chemistry lecture. Secondly, legend has it that mortal eyes cannot look upon him if he is without his suit. If he were separated from the suit for even a second, he would simply stop existing. All records of his pre-suit existence have been erased.
Perhaps the most shocking realisation is that he ISN’T ACTUALLY WEARING A SUIT. He is the suit. Based on no evidence and absolutely no research whatsoever, I can say with 100% certainty that he was walking home alone one night when an asteroid hit Earth, an alien crept out, bonded with him, and it all resulted in this abomination.
Always-in-a-Suit Man’s signature look is a striped grey suit with a light blue/white shirt tucked behind his matching waistoat. Bonus points if you catch a Shiny version of this strange creature, one that dons the fabled white suit and black rectangular glasses.
Cry: “What’s that? An emergency business meeting that never ends? Not to worry, Always-in-a-Suit Man is here!”
Area: Any and all of time and space that isn’t a business-related course.
- Magic Coat
12) Nicholas Namer
Description: Nick Namer. Get it? This person’s brain either lacks the capacity to remember names or simply chooses to ignore the designated word(s) used to refer to other people or animals. Instead, the Nick Namer must come up with his/her own names.
Some Nick Namers can come up with clever, original, or funny nicknames, which you’ll either hate or secretly love.
Others, not so much.
For some inexplicable reason, Nick Namers only remember the names they come up with themselves. They usually create yours within seconds of meeting you, most likely at the exact moment they’re forgetting your real name.
Nick Namers are the only species on Earth in which perpetual-tartleness occurs naturally. However, after years of evolution, there now exist socially adept Nick Namers. Understanding that people don’t always like nicknames, they have learned to only use terms like “buddy,” “mate,” “bro,” etc. They will go through life without ever referring others by name, made-up or otherwise.
Many less-evolved Nick Namers have been known to fake heart attacks when asked to introduce their friends. If ever instructed to say your real name out loud, they will spontaneously combust. It’s a messy affair, but great for parties.
Cry: “Yo, dude! Hey, girl! What’s up, bro? How’s it going, buddy? Alright, mate? My man!”
Area: Surprisingly, they are most commonly found in densely populated areas.
- Me First
- Fake Out
- First Impression
Description: The Tangential is the evolved form of the Nick Namer. (Yes, I also suck at naming things.) These people don’t just forget names, they are physically incapable of using nouns, forcing them to refer to things as tangentially and vaguely as humanly possible.
For example, it’s not that they don’t know that a table is called a table. It’s that their brain forgets what it’s called. They’ll have the image of a table in their head and will be able to remember what it feels, smells, sounds, or even tastes like, but they just can’t recall what the darn thing is called. The only way they can talk about a table is to describe or draw a picture of it.
A simple conversation with a Tangential becomes the longest game of charades you’ve ever involuntarily played.”
But as luck would have it, Tangentials suck at describing things and they are awful artists. I once had a conversation with a Tangential who just wanted to say, “Can you pass me the red pencil sharpener?” The conversation lasted 20 minutes. Here’s a quick summary:
Person: Hey, can you give me that thing? *points to a table cluttered with art supplies*
Me: What thing?
Person: You know, that thing you use so your drawings are clear. *mimes stabbing someone or is genuinely having a seizure*
Me: The paint brushes? Also, who mimes painting like that? This is how you mime painting. *expertly mimes painting*
Person: No! You know, that thing you use in circles.
Me: The compass?
Person: No! The red thing!
Me: The protactor?
Person: No! The red pointy one! *one eye starts twitching*
Me: The red crayon?
Person: *shakes head and pleads with God to give him patience* Are. You. Dumb? Are you actually this dense? I’m clearly talking about that other thing. The one with the wood stuff.
Me: The red pencil! Of course! *holds out the red pencil* Did you know that pencils use graphite and not lead? It’s actually a commo-
Person: *slaps pencil from my hand* NO! ARE YOU FRIKKIN’ SERIOUS RIGHT NOW? I’M TALKING ABOUT THAT THING YOU DO THIS TO! *starts revving an imaginary motorbike* NOW STOP TALKING ABOUT THE STUPID GRAPHITE AND HAND ME THAT PIECE OF SH-
Me: Sharpener! Cool. Here you go. *hands person pencil sharpener* Now, as I was saying, pencils now use graphite because…
Person: *starts sharpening his shiv while staring unblinkingly at me*
A simple conversation with a Tangential becomes the longest game of charades you’ve ever involuntarily played. Almost always, it ends up with you fearing for your life while the Tangential shouts random words at you as he/she gets louder and angrier, hoping at least one of these words will get through to you.
Cry: “What’s that thing with the stuff? You know, the…”
Area: Always found taking part in the world’s largest and longest-running secret game of charades. Either that or an anger management group.
- Hyper Voice
Description: Nothing about Regurgitators is original. They will take what other people say, repackage it, and then re-add it to the conversation. It sounds simple, but this is such an advanced level of social manipulation that it’s almost an art.
Regurgitators are human mirrors. They have no opinions of their own and simply repeat yours, but phrased differently. You feel they share your perspective or that it’s easy to talk to them or that they understand your point of view etc. They don’t. They are just saying what you need to hear so they can gain your trust and loyalty.
Regurgitators can create original content, but they will never share it with other people because they don’t want to stand out. Instead, they will simply repeat cliches or well-known quotes, ask rhetorical questions, and mostly just paraphrase your own opinions back to you.
It’s so clever that you will probably never have noticed they’re doing it in all of the hundreds of conversations you’ve had with them.
A sample conversation could go like this.
Person: That guy is so rude! He just cut in line even though we’ve been waiting to get coffee for like 20 minutes!
Regurgitator: We’ve been standing here for more than a quarter of an hour and this guy just cuts in line? How rude!
Person: I know, right?! That guy sucks more than Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice!
Person: Hahah! Yeah that was a terrible plot point. Wonder Woman pretty much saved the movie. Did you see when she did that thing with her bracelets?
Regurgitator: Does a bear poo in the woods?
Person: Fair enough. Overall, 2016 wasn’t a good year for movies.
Regurgitator: Ah well, such is life.
At first glance, it seems that the Regurgitator has genuinely contributed to the conversation. In a way, it has. It is helping the dialogue further progress. However, upon closer inspection, you’ll notice it hasn’t added an original idea to the conversation. It’s simply repeating your ideas, quoting movies, asking rhetorical questions, or just saying cliches, giving the illusion of contribution while doing nothing at all. In essence, you’re basically having a conversation with yourself.
The Regurgitator is the physical manifestation of filler words. It’s the human equivalent of beige wallpaper. It’s a social chameleon. It’s a master manipulator. Since we’re talking about Pokemon, the Regurgitator is essentially a less able Ditto. At least Ditto has an original form. The Regurgitator does not. It cannot exist without someone to copy.
Here’s a question for you. What happens if two Regurgitators have a conversation with each other?”
In fact, there are multiple theories as to why Regurgitators even exist. Perhaps they’re shy and have low self esteem. Maybe they’re aliens trying to understand humans. Maybe they enjoy manipulating people. Maybe they are the pre-evolved form of human beings. Maybe they’re nature’s failed experiments. Maybe they’re God’s way to show you the best (or worst) of yourself. I honestly don’t know.
All I know is that if you manage to befriend one, Regurgitators are particularly useful
Pokemon people when it comes to writing essays. You read aloud the text you want to copy and the Regurgitator will reword it for you in such a way that you won’t get caught for plagiarism.
Area: Regurgitators can be found anywhere people regularly congregate, but they are hard to recognise unless you know what signs to look for.
- Mirror Move
Description: When it comes to texting or online messaging, I can understand why (but definitely don’t condone) people decide to write “brb” or “fam” or whatever people say these days. The most common argument is that it’s quicker (what do you do with all that time you save?) or that it takes less effort. I don’t like it, but I get why people do it.
What I cannot understand are Txtspkrs. I genuinely can’t understand what they say or why they say it. Txtspkrs incorporate text-speech into verbal conversations. And not in an ironic or clever way.
These are the people who shout “OMG!” when surprised. Instead of laughing, Txtspkrs say “LOL!” or spell it out while slapping their knee with one hand and wiping a tear from their eye with the other. They will shout “JK!” usually followed by “bro” or “LOL” to indicate that they joking. Instead of saying they’ll be back in a minute, they will waste the opportunity for a perfectly good Terminator quote and instead say “BRB” out loud.
Txtspkrs spk lyk dis 4 realz tho. They will try to imitate emoji faces, and actually feel clever about it, failing to realise that these are pictorial representations of human facial expressions in the first place.
For Txtspkrs, the emoji existed before man. According to their sacred text, humans learned how to make facial expressions and understand what an aubergine looks like after thoroughly researching emojis. In fact, up until the late 1990s, every single human being looked like this:
Unless you are proficient in today’s short-form text language, speaking to Txtspkrs is difficult. Every instance they say something, you will feel your IQ dropping. If it comes to the point that they start acting out memes in real life, you need to reassess your life choices and start hanging out with better people.
Cry: “U wot m8? Get rekd. 4 realz? Nah, fam. Brah, amirite?!”
Area: In the open-area lounge of the student residence/housing.
- Disarming Voice
Got any suggestions for Part 4? Let me know in the comments below!