In my 2nd year, I started documenting the different types of people I spotted at university. It’s all the fun of completing your Pokedex, without the ethical burden of having to imprison sentient beings inside TARDIS-like tiny red and white balls. A while back, I posted Part 1 of the University Pokedex, so go check that out if you’ve not yet read it!
UPDATE: And here’s Part Three!
Disclaimer: I realise it’s pretty much impossible to compartmentalise people since each one of us beautiful people is so unique and special and everything, but I’m going to do it anyway. Everyone will fall into more than one category and that’s completely fine; this isn’t in anyway accurate (why would you think it is?) and as you can probably tell, the descriptions are exaggerated for comedic effect.
TL;DR, this is all done in fun and I mean no disrespect to anyone who gets offended.
All that being said, let’s continue the numbered list we started in Part 1 and have a look at Part 2 of the Univeristy Pokedex!
6) The One-Upper
Description: You know that little anecdote you just said to your friends? Well, this guy’s got a much better one. You had a completely unique ineffable experience which you can’t even begin to explain to other people because no one will be able to relate to it? Well this guy had one exactly like that, only better in every conceivable way. He just pops into existence to one-up your story and then disappears.
Bordering on Hipsterism, the One-Upper exists solely to one-up everyone’s stories, even if they’re stories about terrible events. I kid you not, I once heard an amputee talking about how he lost his leg when a guy walks over and tells us about the time he lost both legs because he was fighting off 6 armed gunmen who tried to rob him and his girlfriend (who was also an amputee).
Cry: “Oh yeah? Well, I once ….”
Area: Pops randomly into existence, one-ups your story, then disappears.
- Quick Attack
7) The Keyboard Killer
Description: No more than 2 minutes into class and you hear this guy furiously hacking away at his keyboard. What’s even stranger is that the Professor hasn’t even started speaking or writing anything on the board yet, so nobody knows what this guy is typing.
But typing away he is, with not a care in the world. And his taps are so loud, they echo on into distant lecture halls. In fact, legend has it that if you listen closely, you can probably hear him right now.
Is he taking notes? Is he avenging the death of the typewriters? Does he hate hands or does he hate keyboards? Is he trying to somehow communicate with us? Or is he simply trying to write his next Twilight book?
Scientists are conducting research but still have no solid answers. All they can say is that these keyboards must be made out of Nokias and Vibranium because they still have not broken.
Cry: TAP TAP TAP/CLICK CLICK CLICK/SMASH SMASH SMASH. (What sound does a keyboard even make?)
Area: Usually found in the middle of a lecture hall, in the quietest section of the library, or in silent study zones.
- Karate Chop
- Fury Swipes
8) The Sleeper
Description: These are essentially the real-life versions of Snorlax. They’re sleeping in the most inconvenient place in the lecture hall and rather than waking them up, you have to navigate around them. Nobody knows how or when they even got there.
These guys are perpetually sleeping. They’ve perfected the art of sleeping to such an extent that they are able to to hold entire conversations without waking up. A normal person spends 1/3 of his life sleeping. These guys sleep for all of it.
My one piece of advice is that if you encounter one in the wild, leave it alone. Sleep is the most valuable thing you have at university. It’s worth more than time, money, or energy. You crave it more than coffee and you need it more than oxygen. So NEVER deprive someone of their sleep, or you’ll end up regretting it.
Cry: “Of course I’m awake.”
Area: Right at the back of a lecture hall.
- Sleep Talk
9) The Scribbler
Description: If the Keyboard Killer hates keyboards or hands (or both), then these people hate pens and pencils and paper and notebooks and pretty much anything you can write with or on. And like the Keyboard Killer, these people are LOUD.
And I should clarify, there are two types of Scribblers.
The first kind are genuinely scribbling because they’ve no idea what to write. They can spend 2 hours scribbling away on a page, and you think they’ve written a super-long essay, but when you sneakily peek over their shoulder, you see they’ve written one word (which they misspelled) and that’s it. HOW CAN ONE WORD MAKE SO MUCH NOISE??
The second kind of Scribbler is the person who actually does know what to write. Their notes are usually neat, though unnecessarily wordy, and are most probably colour-coded with little stickers and post-it notes and essentially much much better than whatever slop you’ve managed to write. As loud as they can be, these people are cool and quite helpful.
And when it’s exam time, a magical thing happens. Suddenly everyone becomes a Scribbler. You’ll be sitting there with no idea what to write, and literally EVERYONE else will be scribbling away.
Cry: “Look at my notes! Aren’t they so neat?”
Area: Every exam hall in the history of forever.
- Arm Thrust
10) The Sniffler
Description: You hear their sniffs, but you never see them. Some of them have really long, drawn-out sniffs, like they’re doing cocaine, while others prefer the shorter, I’m-having-a-panic-attack kind of sniffs.
Then there are those creepy sniffs where the person actually closes his/her eyes while sniffing. And it’s even freakier when they’re right behind you. You’re not quite sure how to react.
We’re not sure why these people sniff so much. Some of them are genuinely sick. Others might be wearing lip-gloss which smells like glue. Perhaps they’ve got a runny nose and ran out of tissues? Maybe they just have the lung capacity of a mouse. Nobody’s quite sure.
The sniffles themselves aren’t so bad. What really sucks is when they pull out a moist little scrunched up tissue and begin wiping their nose. That’s when it sounds like an elephant getting a gonadectomy. The worst part is when they’ve run out of tissues and resort to using their sleeves or hands. Absolutely disgusting.
Cry: “It’s just allergies.”
- Smelling Salts
- Poison Gas
Got any suggestions for Part 3? Let me know in the comments below!