The world is a wonderful place. There are all sorts of people in it. Some are good, some are bad, some are happy, some are sad. Some like silence, some like food, some like music, some say “dude”. I realise I’m rhyming now so I’m going to stop.
Whenever I get bored, I go people-watching. It’s weirdly calming and interesting. For example, I noticed that when two people walk side by side, their leg movements synchronise. They don’t notice it themselves and if they do, they fall out of sync. Check it out the next time you go out. It’s pretty cool.
In my 2nd year, I started documenting the types of people I spotted at university. It’s like completing your own Pokedex. I’ve not gotten them all yet, but I’m getting there. This is Part 1 of the University Pokedex.
Disclaimer: I realise it’s pretty much impossible to compartmentalise people since each one of us beautiful people is so unique and special and everything, but I’m going to do it anyway. Everyone will fall into more than one category and that’s completely fine; this isn’t in anyway accurate (why would you think it is?) and as you can probably tell, the descriptions are exaggerated for comedic effect.
TL;DR, this is all done in fun and I mean no disrespect to anyone who gets offended.
1) The Shadow
Description: You know this person only by face. You’re pretty sure they know you by face too but you’re not 100% sure. You’ll make eye contact for a fleeting second if you pass each other in the hallway but neither of you will ever say anything. You’ll both just pretend you don’t remember/know the other person and move on.
Where do you know them from? You know you’ve seen them before, you just can’t remember where or when it was. You ask your friends, they don’t know either. You’d confront the person but they always disappear before you get the chance.
Area: Found lurking in long hallways, outside classrooms, and in the cafeterias.
2) The Hyper Student Unionists
Description: These people live for the student union. They tell you they’re there to make a difference. Do they actually make a difference? Probably. I don’t know. What I do know is that they will spend more time telling people how much of a difference they are making than actually making a difference.
And you really don’t want to listen to their constant monologuing because it will slowly but surely drive you insane. You know their issues are probably important but honestly, you can’t be bothered to care.
Run for cover when it’s election time because that’s when they bring out the big guns. They set up huge tables in narrow hallways, wear the same T-shirts and creepy wide-eyed smiles, and throw flyers at any and all people within throwing range. Make sure you vote because these people know where you live and will hunt you down until you do.
Cry: “Remember to vote in the student elections! Here take a flyer. Take it. Take the flyer. TAKE THE FLYER. Here take another one. Did you vote yet? Did you? Did you? By the way, did you take a flyer? Also, have you voted yet?”
Area: They usually mill about the student centre and busy hallways.
- Hyper Voice
- Psych Up
- Arm Thrust
3) The Helpers
Description: These people are the best. They restore faith in humanity. It doesn’t matter how busy they are, they will always be ready to help. Having problems writing your essay? They know where the Essay Clinic is and what the timings are. They’ll insist on going with you so you don’t feel bad about going by yourself. They’ll even go over your essay with you to help improve it.
Their criticism is constructive and they are always supportive of your decisions. They’re unbelievably intuitive. They’ll know exactly how you’re feeling just by studying your body language and facial micro-expressions. They don’t know that they’re doing it because it comes naturally to them.
They strive for excellence and regularly put others ahead of themselves. It might be good for you, but it’s bad for them. They won’t admit it because they think it would put a burden on you, but they need you as much as you need them. They need other people to tell them it’s OK to be selfish once in a while.
These are genuinely good people. Cherish and appreciate them always.
Cry: “Just working on this assignment due tomorrow. Need help on yours? I can read it over for you if you like. I’m not busy at all.”
Area: They’re found wherever they are needed most.
- Helping Hand
- Natural Gift
4) The Hipsters
Description: No list is complete without the presence of the Hipsters. Wearing black framed, too-big-for-your-face glasses? Check. A Starbucks cup next to them? Check. Wearing a beanie and/or scarf even though it’s not cold? Check. A Macbook open on the table in front of them as though they are about to write the most thought-provoking novel ever even though the only tabs open in Safari are Instagram, Facebook, and 9gag? Check. Instagramming their food on their iPhone? Check.
Oh look, the barista spelt their name wrong. How adorable. They must take a picture of this momentous occasion and let the whole world know that they have a complicated name. I could go on but you know what I mean.
Make sure you watch out for the Anti-Hipster and the Wannabe-Hipster. The former hates Hipsters because that’s what people do and the latter wants to be like Hipsters because it’s cool. Neither are Hipsters but both are morons.
Cry: “Of course, I’m not a Hipster. I dressed like this before it was cool. By the way, do you know any good vegan restaurants?”
Area: Primarily found outside Starbucks though you may find the odd one hanging out near Second Cup because, you know, Starbucks is too mainstream.
5) The Pro-Procrastinator
Description: There are procrastinators, and then there are procrastinators. The former do things badly in a last minute rush like noobs. The latter are professional procrastinators. They do things at the last possible moment but their work is actually pretty good. They do their work late and leave like it’s nothing at all.
Pro-Procrastinators are gods to most humans. There’s no other way they can start a 5000 word essay on the day it’s due, hand it in on time, and then get it back with 75% or higher. You work your butt off for a 70% and these people seem to get decent marks without even trying. It’s insulting but also kinda cool.
And the best thing about these people is their humility. There are procrastinators who procrastinate and then boast about barely passing like it’s some sort of achievement. The Pro-procrastinator is humble in his/her success and is willing to help you out if you need tips/advice.
You like them but you’re slightly jealous at how easy their life is. You are just patiently waiting for the one day they slip up. You’ve even got your “Hard Work/Planning Ahead Pays Off” speech memorised, though you’d probably never use it because you’d feel bad about kicking the guy while he’s down.
Cry: “What assignment? I’ll do it later.”
Area: Usually found sitting in the back row of a lecture hall if they even bother showing up to class.
- Slack Off
Got any suggestions for Part 2? Let me know in the comments below!